When we grieve, the questions we ask are:
How can I get over this?
How can I fix this?
Why am I feeling like this?
What’s wrong with me?
These are the wrong questions to ask. These questions set us up for struggle, for self-criticism and pressure.
The question to ask yourself is this:
Can I Be Okay With This?
Often there is so much discomfort that the answer is no, and that’s okay. Grief is not about getting rid of something. Grief is about honouring your relationship with the person you are grieving and accepting yourself as you go through the process. Your person will be a part of your life forever, and your relationship will continue, the love lives on.
So, if the answer is no….. if being with the grief causes an intensity that is overwhelming the next question to ask is:
How Can I Care For Myself In This?
There is no resistance in this. There is an acceptance that this is how you are feeling, and so now, you can care for yourself instead of struggling with the fact that you are having a hard time.
What do you need to do, think, or feel to care for yourself?
Perhaps you need some information, or you need to reach out for support, or some kind of movement or exercise. Perhaps you need to rest.
Sometimes saying stuff out-loud is helpful. Sometimes connecting with people who allow you to be just where you are is helpful.
Committing to caring for yourself is the first step towards “being with” the grief. So I ask you – How are you caring for yourself today, right now, at this moment?
Asking different questions empowers us to take the steps we need to take to honour the process instead of trying to push it away or fix it.
Here at Hospice, we see the importance of being with people as it gives you the chance to share your feelings openly and experience the emotions of others that are also going through a tough time. Unfortunately, due to the current circumstances, we are unable to do that. We are still here giving phone support and one on one to anyone who is struggling.
We are also in the process of setting up grief support groups through Zoom meetings. If anyone is interested in participating, please email firstname.lastname@example.org or phone 250-563-2551.