We are all unique. Our relationship with our person is unique, how we cope and hold our grief is unique. We are individuals. While there are commonalities in grief, it is important to remember that we will all grieve differently.

Well meaning people will expect you to do your grief the way they do. They will give advice and suggestions. Sometimes they will even insist that you grieve the way they do.

This is a note to say to you – please do not let others define your grief. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and to take the time you need. Some people like to grieve with people, and some people like to grieve alone. Some people like to talk about their feelings and share their stories, and some people like to experience their grief by doing things – taking some kind of action. Some people like to reflect and journal.  Some people will grieve using all three of these ways.

The point is, do what feels right to you. Allow yourself to grieve. Do not avoid it or stuff it down. Allow the feelings to be here, and be kind to yourself in the process.

There is a lot of misinformation out there about grieving. Even some of the books I have read do not describe the process accurately.

We like to put things in boxes or neatly file things away. We like to have a process that we can follow and tick off boxes as we move along. Unfortunately, with grief none of these things are possible. There is no step one, step two, or step three. We just have to allow ourselves to experience whatever is showing up in the moment. This is hard because there is no certainty. We like certainty.

So, when people ask you what stage you are in, or tell you that you should be over it by now, or make a suggestion that doesn’t feel right to you, just know, that this is your journey. You get to do it in whatever way works best for you.

Be Gentle

Denise Torgerson

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