People do not understand that there are losses that happen because of the loss. When our person dies, we grieve more than just the death. And it’s not always the big things. Sometimes we grieve the gravy not being as good, or your hair not being done in the way that only your person could do. Sometimes it’s driving in the car, or being the passenger. In my family, we have some of our best conversations in the car. Sometimes it’s that on-going chatter that fills up the space.
Sometimes it is the big things. This weekend, with the sunshine, my thoughts go to the widows and widowers who are gardeners. Often the gardening is done together. Seasons changing can bring on grief in a big way. Don’t be surprised by this. It shows us once again, that our person is gone.
It is important to recognize these other losses. The emotions that show up because of them can be confusing or even frightening sometimes. Grieving these losses will drain our energy. When we recognize that this part of grieving can be as debilitating as the loss itself, we can hold space for it.
If we can hold space for our grief as we move into spring (seasons changing) or as we cook our first Easter meal without our person. If we can hold space for our grief as we struggle with our hair, or learn the task that our person always did. If we can hold space for our grief as we realize that our days are empty now because the time we spent caring for our person isn’t necessary anymore. If we can hold space for our grief as we move towards a future without our person. If we can do this – we will have more energy, we will have more clarity, we will not struggle with the emotions that show up. We will be able to explain to people what is going on and so get support.
Big things and little things. The losses that happen because of the loss.
Be gentle,
Denise Torgerson
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