That part of grief when we are betwixt and between. Our life has changed because of our loss and we don’t know what it has changed into yet.
This can cause a lot of uncertainty. We used to say that we are “creating a new normal” However a lot of people were upset by the word normal. There is nothing normal about this experience. We are however, moving from one way of experiencing life to another.
Sometimes our person is so much a part of our life that every aspect of it is affected. The morning coffee, the drive to work, the evening dinner plans, friendships, hobbies, finances, even our spiritual beliefs can change for some. While I know that you understand what I am saying here, the problem is, that people who are not grieving have no idea. They think it is one event – your person died. They don’t understand that it is event after event after event. As we move through our world, the absence of our person is in every step we take. It is like a warp and a weave.
And in all of this – we have to learn how to be without our person. This aspect of grief is one of the hardest. The discomfort in figuring out who you are when you do not have this person can be debilitating.
The biggest hurdle for people in this is that they are hard on themselves. So often I see people beat themselves up because they are not doing as well as they think they should be. Or just wanting it all to be over because they don’t want to learn new things or try new things or meet new people. It can just feel like too much work.
One step at a time. One breath at a time, One conversation at a time. Remember that in this space of in-between, life can be confusing. Living in uncertainty requires energy. When we are hard on ourselves, this just makes it harder.
We are allowed to try new things and then change our minds. We are allowed to take a day off from trying and just lay on the couch. We are allowed to find someone to vent to. We are allowed to reach out for help and to expect that we will get it.
Liminal space requires that we are kind to ourselves. It requires that we give ourselves the same grace that we give to other people. Treat yourself like your best friend. Remember you are experiencing one of the hardest experiences in your life and there is no road map.
Be Gentle
Denise Torgerson
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